I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
