Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
