Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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