I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
They took my balls.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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