Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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