just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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