I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
