90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
