My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I need to stop coming to work sober
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
