true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
