we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
