he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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