So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
