After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
