You can't motorboat a personality
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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