I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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