that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
