Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
This baby is an asshole
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
