"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize