You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
