Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
