I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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