I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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