Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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