I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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