I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
