My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
