My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
