So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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