So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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