I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
