So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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