What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I still have a little drunk in my system
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
