Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
