life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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