New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
