you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
