HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
