shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
