What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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