im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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