I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
