If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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