she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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