You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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