What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
