hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
