I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
