May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
