$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
