I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
