i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
